In my experience, it’s better to make other people suffer for your art.
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My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Writing, She Murdered.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
an octopus is just a wet spider
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
☠️ ☠️
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager