In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
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Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
Um … Hot Wings please
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
the way this pissed me off… 😭
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out