Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!

I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..

ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*

Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?

Wife: Six, Your Honor.

Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.

Husband: She also stole a can of peas!

The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at

me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better

I’m not sorry.

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.

I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.

Anyway he’s dead now.

Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode

Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour

The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.

You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.

Him: Why are you going in circles???

Me: I’m buffering!!!

Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”

Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself

This is no longer winter this is harassment

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second