In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
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Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
17: That the public is crazy.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor