In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
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*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.