In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
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My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.