In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
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I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
normalize having existential bread
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
birds and squirrels envy us
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
this isn’t threatening at all
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
