@sofarrsogud

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

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@michaelianblack

The phrase “Whatever floats your boat” is misleading because, practically speaking, the only thing that’s going to float your boat is water.

@GrahamKritzer

FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME

@Petote

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

@UncleDuke1969

Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.

Intellectual powerhouse.

Right here.

@Donna_McCoy

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.

@mrjohndarby

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

@WhaJoTalkinBout

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

@JonasPolsky

I was about to commit suicide, but then a Nicki Minaj song came on the radio — so I committed suicide twice.

@capnwatsisname

Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT