Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
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For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Childbirth is so beautiful
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
The Weeknd is back
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals