In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
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drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
what could possibly go wrong?
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
wish me luck lads
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking