In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
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I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet