In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
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Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.