Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.

Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.

Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?

Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”

Her: “Is that you in your avi?”

Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”

At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.

MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*

hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy

me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke

*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

therapist: and how do we react to conflict?

me: with sarcasm?

therapist: try again

me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM

therapist: much better

I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.

why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare

every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one

Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?

It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…

Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.

just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️

Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]

Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING

GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?

“Hygiene”

SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.

*ninja group therapy

Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.

[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much

Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.

Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.

I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.

When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.

Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times