In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
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Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.