Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found a set of keys everyone was looking for in the pub so i’m a magpie now apparently if anyone’s lost any shiny shit

Me: I feel good

My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?

my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese

Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.

ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470

SON: So cats don’t have much taste

CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious

Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea

Patient: what? I don’t understand

Me (starts slow clap)

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!

The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.

According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??

Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.

I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.

Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again

There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.

I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado

Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”

*and I was like _whatever_*

I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]