In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

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Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?

Me: I don’t know, CAN you?

*High-fives high school English teacher*


My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.


[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*


I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.


I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.


I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.


It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”