WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
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“I’ve built a model of Mount Everest”
“Is that to scale?”
“No, just to look at”
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
I was just at a restaurant and they yelled out order 867 so I yelled out 5309 and absolutely nobody laughed, how does nobody find this funny?
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.