In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
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Her: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby, it’s cold outside
Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Florida man
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers