Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”

Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.

Elephant: I can hear you, you know.

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*

me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT

[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?

The only highlight of a brutal moving day:

Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”

4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”

Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.

Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??

*adds resume embellisher to resume*

Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.

Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.

My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.

what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open

Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming

me: let’s change your diaper

2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!

I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*