In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
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The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”
I don’t think you will….
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
As we are leaving the car wash, passing the self-service bays, 6yo says, “oohh that’s how poor people wash their cars” and now I have to teach her a lesson and make her do all our laundry in the creek.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.