In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
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Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Phonetics
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Autocarrot sucks!
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
how long have you had this for?
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?