In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
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thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
God, I love Scotland
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Weirdly Wednesday.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers