In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
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I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
