Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.

PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol

Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.

I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.

Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”

He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.

her: this man needs medical help

me: let me through I’m a doctor

her: why are you opening his mouth?

me: no cavities

her: he’s having a heart attack

me: flosses regularly

her: do something

me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …

Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure

People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.

I always thought a fortress was a female fort.

Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.

If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.

Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…

Bullshit.

What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

[At Pharmacy]

Pharmacist: This medi…

Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.

grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded

Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean

My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same

BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it

I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.

Invention idea:

Written versions of audio books.

My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.