‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
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That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
When I can’t barge, I careen.
just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
For the orator and chef in all of us
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.