‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
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I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Not saying I was a gullible kid but my sister once gave me scissors and said “Grandma needs us to trim the carpet”
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.