In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
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My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
people who sit in a long line and aren’t ready when it’s their turn, should be sent to the back of the line to think about what they’ve done.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.