In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
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Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Breaking news:
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach