In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
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My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk