In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
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Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
How to woo a woman
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas