In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
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When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.