In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
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[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle