In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
You Might Also Like
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”