I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
You Might Also Like
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Trying
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Feels like the fourth month in January
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…