Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Handed a baby*

Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?

I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes

hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?

For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”

[crowd goes nuts]

A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar

Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.

Me: Can you help me with something?

Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.

Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…

Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!

I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.

Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage

Him: “Age is just a number.”

Me: “Technically, age is a word….”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.

I was once killed by a shark escalator.

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.

[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap

2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?

How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.