In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
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So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I hope this email finds you in a well
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Hero horse inspires millions
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”