Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??

“You’re saying it’s all an act?

Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.

Agent: I have a script for you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?

Agent: Yes.

Radcliffe: I’ll do it.

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.

Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.

Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad

I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave

Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG

God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it

Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again

Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.

It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.

4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?

a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh

drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up

Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.

God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.

My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?

I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?

Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.

My middle finger will be answering all questions today!