Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.

Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.

Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Stay lazy my friends.

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.

The grumpy one is crab B.

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.

Windows

Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.

It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE

Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!

Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack

If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home

[Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.

Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance

Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.