In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
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They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Seems legit.
Buying houses is mental
Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined
Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants
Not allowed to speak to the owner
Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
PDF: *pops up at 176%*
Why are you yelling at me
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.