Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

genie: you have 3 wishes

cat: i want to go out

genie: ok

cat: and back in again

genie: done

cat: and back out again

genie: ffs

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.

whenever i wake up before my alarm

If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.

Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”

Do furries go to doctors or vets?

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.

[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]

One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.

Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.

My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅

My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.

[at home on video conference call]

Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.

*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*

Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.

i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked