In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
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Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it