In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
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Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.