Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.

I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar

big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”

So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.

My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.

Sigmund Freud: I fell over

Me: A Freudian slip?

Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass

Me: Is it a bit of a pane?

Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune

Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have

TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?

Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.

TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step

Me: Why do you say that?

TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard

Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.

I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.

*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*

Wife: OH MY GOD

*slams brakes*

Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture

[First Date]

I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.

[Second Date]

*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*

4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!

Me: Aw thank y-

4: because you’re round

Me: …

4: and plumpy

Me: go to your room

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*

Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!

“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?

J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

Husband: What is today?

Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.