In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
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If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
I told my therapist that I’ve given CPR to 3 different people in 3 separate incidents at a particular grocery store and she advised me to stop going there.
That’s good shit right there
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something