In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
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I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.