Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.

Me [on fire]: HOW

Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.

Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*

Vampire: Thank you.

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

professor x: whats your superpower?

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was

Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.

Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.

me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!

me when i get home: crackers

Knock Knock

Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.

Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.

Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?

Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.

They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”

me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!

the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts

I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly

[Adopts emotional support dog]

Me: *Vents*

Dog: Runs away*

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.

ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!

CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No

I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?