in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
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If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Room with a view.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
But is it really??
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Sunday
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?