Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato

Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!

Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!

I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.

[Star Wars Episode VII scene]

Princess Leia: I love you Han.

Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality

Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.

My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.

Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.

ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

Best misinterpreted text ever!

Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”

Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office

Satan: yeah, welcome to hell

Me: well, I guess it could be worse

Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

me in 2018: surely next year will be better

me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this

me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye

The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.

58.

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.

The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.

Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.

Husband: Great! What should we be?

Me: I meant me and the dog.

Husband: Of course you did.

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

NED

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

NED

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME

Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*