In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
You Might Also Like
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
I don’t call them exes, I call them whys
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”