In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
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Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock