In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
You Might Also Like
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt