In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
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An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts