Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!

Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!

me: did you even eat lunch today?

10: yea

me: what’d you have?

10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat

me: your mom is gonna kill me.

I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.

Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm

parents: you are what you eat
kids:

*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”

Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!

Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?

Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.

“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”

Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!

heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.

My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean

Oh I’m heartbroken over you

Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine

[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?

Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.

*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.

“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak

Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not

i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.