…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
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You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
this was very charming
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter