In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
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“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.