In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
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The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Spring cleaning checklist…
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
The “baby” on the left….
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
one week till the election
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though