Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both

*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol

Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*

If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days

Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate

If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.

I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down

*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*

Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?

I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.

Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.

DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]

Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.

The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.