In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
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math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun