TRANSFORMER WIFE: Honey, this is silly. I’d never cheat on you.
TRANSFORMER HUSBAND: Okay….hey, when did we get that wardrobe?
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
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The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Just a reminder, folks:
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.