In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
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5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016