In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
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I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
New comic up. “Ransom”
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.