In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
You Might Also Like
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to