In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
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A gym so fancy they call it a James.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb