In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
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My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.