In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
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In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
For cardio I live beyond my means.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”