In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
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“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN