Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.

She told me newspapers are old school.

She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly never stood a chance.

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.

Anyway. Monkey for sale.

Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.

I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation

Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

CDC: keep at least 6 feet—

Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS

Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.

Wanna wake your teens up early?

Cook bacon

My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.

Happy Caturday!

Rare photo of two submarines racing

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?

I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

Friend: wow you can actually sing!

Me at 2 beers: lol stfu

Me at 9 beers: we are a band now

You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress

In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”