Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.

6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.

Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.

No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.

Cheers Twitter.

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters

Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech

Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “

Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy

was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

Yup.

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.

Baker: So, two loaves of bread?

Me: yes two please.

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”

4: The baby has a lot of skin!

Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…

4:

Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….

4:

Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?

FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president

A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.

I’d rather fork than spoon.

Anakin: How do we get in?

Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.

*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*

The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days