In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
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Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.