In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
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I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
meow
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.