In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
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My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
