Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.

When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.

Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”

REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!

It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead

[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale

*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*

This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…

Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper

*putting fish sticks in a bowl

Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it

I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!

Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?

I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.

Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest

British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”

Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?

wife: not like this

[first date]

HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.

interviewer: how’s your handwriting?

me: oh not bad

interviewer: what about the other letters?

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.