In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
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Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Lassie, get help!
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.